Caillou With hair?
by Caillou-Hater
Summary: A bald, little boy attempts to get some hair.


Caillou With Hair?

By Dave Maldonado

            Once upon a time, well, not to long ago, Caillou was playing with a new girl in the neighborhood. However, the girl thought that Caillou looked odd without any hair.

            "You're bald, Caillou!"

            "I'm not bald...! What's Bald?" Caillou replied.

            "Yes you are, baldy! Bald means you ain't got no fucking hair!"

            "I HAVE NO HAIR?!" Caillou whined like a little bitch.

            Shortly after Caillou got home, his mother wondered why he was crying (and also humping his cat, Gilbert).

            "What the hell's wrong with you?"

            "Moooommyyyyy! I have no hair!"

            "Dumb ass! Didn't you listen to the doctor? He told your stupid ass that you have a damn disease that won't let you grow any hair! Now stop bothering me, and quit humping Gilbert!"

            So Caillou stopped bellyaching and went outside. Just outside the house, Caillou saw a sign that flew into the front yard. The sign had a picture of a man with long hair. Caillou picked up the sign and tried to read it.

            "Bdughfczx…augh…dakl…Man, I can't read it!"

            (Actually, the sign said, "This guy used Rogaine, the leading anti-baldness formula. Have you used Rogaine, yet?")

            Disappointed, Caillou went back into the house and asked his father to read him the Rogaine advertisement.

            "Caillou, you illiterate, little S.O.B.! Why the hell do I have to read you this shit?"

            "Uumm…um, my teacher wanted you to read it to me," Caillou lied.

            "Damn it, Caillou! You're four years old; you don't have a teacher! You were kicked out of preschool for ass-raping another boy…! Fine, I'll read it to you!" Caillou's father took the paper and proceeded reading, "The sign is a Rogaine ad. It said that if you use Rogaine, then you'll have a head full of hair."

            "Daddy, I wanna try it, please!"

            "Fuck you! I ain't paying no $150 for some sorry ass hair formula!"

            "But Daddy! I need it! If you don't get it, I'll steal it!"

            "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! I WANT YOUR FAGGOT ASS TO GO OUTSIDE AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!" Caillou's dad took a knife from the kitchen drawer and chased Caillou with it. "WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GO STICK A BOTTLE OF ROGAINE UP YOUR ASS!"

            Then Caillou ran back outside the house to flee from his homicidal father. Suddenly, he spotted Gilbert and realized that Gilbert had hair.

            "Gilbert has hair! Ooooh! I want his hair!"

            Therefore, Caillou ran after Gilbert and caught him by the fur. Gilbert attempted to flee, which caused Caillou to place him in a stronger grip.

            "CAILLOU, LEAVE THAT DAMN CAT ALONE!" Caillou's father screamed out the window! Unfortunately for Caillou, Gilbert repeatedly clawed him in the face and jumped out of Caillou's arms.

            "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

            Caillou was home from the hospital. (Caillou had stitches, antibiotic shots, a tetanus booster, and a bandage, due to his fiasco with Gilbert.) Just after he had arrived home from the hospital, Caillou decided to pursue another method of possessing hair. Being an idiot, Caillou decided to cut up his parents' new living room rug and glue a piece of it onto his head. Unfortunately, Caillou possessed a pair of scissors and a bottle of Elmer's Glue in his bedroom.

            Then he walked upstairs into his room, grabbed his scissors and glue, and finally walked back downstairs into the living room. Caillou did what he thought was necessary; he cut up the rug and glued a piece onto his head. Caillou was happy to possess "hair."

            "D'AAAH! What have you done to our beautiful, new rug? My god! You've just cut up the rug and glued it onto your stupid ass head?! What the fuck were you thinking?!" Caillou's mother was furious that the new rug was now a pile of crap on top of Caillou's head.

            "Get your ass into the tub and wash the rug off your head! Maybe, just maybe, I can put the rug back together."

            Shortly after Caillou began his bath, he was still concerned about having hair. Caillou noticed that the bubbles might be used for making his hair; however, he didn't realize that the "bubble hair" is temporary.

            "Bubbles! I can make 'bubble hair!'" Caillou screamed, ecstatically. Caillou washed off the patch of rug from his head and then smeared bubbles on top of his head.

            "Yea! I have hair!" Caillou splashed around inside the tub until his father came into the bedroom and slapped him upside the head.

            "Shut up, Caillou! You'll wake up your sister, Rosie! By the way, that 'bubble hair' isn't real! Now finish your bath and go to bed."

            The next day, Caillou was at his grandma's house. (Caillou was at his grandma's house, because his parents and his sister, Rosie, were at the supermarket.) Caillou's grandmother had a French poodle named Jacques, and she decided to let Caillou play with him.

            "Now, Caillou! You be nice to Jacques! He won't bite or anything, just as long as you don't agitate him. Promise?"

            "I promise I'll be nice to him, Grandma," Caillou replied. As Caillou's grandmother left, Caillou acquired a notion where he can use the dog's fur as a toupee. Unfortunately, Caillou didn't have any scissors or glue like he did at home; nor did he have an electrical razor.

            "I need hair! I have no scissors or glue…! Ooooh! I brought some bubble gum! Bubble gum is sticky; maybe I could stick bubble gum to the dog's fur and stick the fur to my head."

            Caillou popped an enormous wad of bubble gum into his mouth and chewed until the flavor was null. Then he spit the wad into his had and smeared it into Jacques' fur. Caillou tried to lift the fur off the dog's body, but the dog bit him and dashed away. However, Caillou was in hot pursuit of the dog until he tackled and captured the dog. Finally, Caillou stuck Jacques onto his head.

            "Great, merciful crap! How the hell did you get my dog to stick onto your head?!  Jackass, I told you not to agitate Jacques! First of all, I'll have to free him from your head. Then I'll inform your parents about the incident."

            Caillou's grandma took him by the wrist and escorted him into her house. There, she removed Jacques from Caillou's head by using peanut butter and then informed Caillou's parents about the incident. Consequently, Caillou was grounded for a month…without TV…video games…toys…or hair.

            A month later, Caillou was at his friend, Leo's house. Leo had shown Caillou a toupee that had belonged to Uncle Larry, a close, personal friend of Leo's family.

            "Uncle Larry lost his hair a long time ago, so he decided to get a wig. But then his wig began to smell like shit, so he decided to buy himself another wig."

            "Oooh! Hair! Can I have Uncle Larry's wig, since he has another wig?"

            "O.K. I suppose you can wear it! Man, I need to make the wig stick to your head. Oh, yeah! I've got it! There's a stapler on my dad's desk in the den! I can staple the wig to your head!"

            Caillou brought the toupee as he and Leo walked into the den. 

"Here it is, Caillou! This is my dad's stapler; I'll staple the wig to your head. That way, you'll keep the wig on your head, forever."

Leo grabbed the stapler, and Caillou placed the wig onto his head. Leo stapled the wig to Caillou's head, while forcing Caillou to withstand the pain.

"Ow, ow, OW! Leo that hurts!"

"Sorry, Caillou! Well, I'm finished…! Caillou, what's that red stuff coming from your head?"

Suddenly, Leo's father walked into the den and was appalled to see Caillou bleeding at the head. Leo's father called 9-1-1 and told the dispatchers that a toupee was stapled to Caillou's head. Eventually, the paramedics came to Caillou's aid and rushed him to the hospital. In turn, Caillou felt confused about the hair and didn't know what will happen to him when his parents were to find out about Uncle Larry's toupee.

At the hospital, Caillou was recuperating from his head wounds while his parents and Rosie stood beside his bed, waiting for his wounds to heal.

"Caillou, I've heard about the wig. Are you all right? That was a stupid thing that happened to you," said Caillou's mom.

His dad said, "Damn it, Caillou! What stupid shit will happen to you next? First of all, you got Leo into trouble for that damn wig. Second, that wig wasn't yours in the first place. Ultimately, we will have to pay a big ass medical bill! You are an embarrassment to our family! I wish you'd die and rot in hell!"

Rosie pointed to Caillou and yelled, "Dummy!"

Poor, pathetic Caillou had to listen to his parents lecture him about the fiasco. He cried, because he felt ashamed of being bald and having a series of hair-related catastrophes.

"Well, good night, Caillou! We'll see you tomorrow," said Caillou's mom, as they left Caillou alone in the hospital.

Unfortunately, Caillou's life was boring the next day, so let's skip a week and end up at the day where Caillou and his family visited the circus. (Caillou had to wear a hat in order to conceal the stitches on his head.) At the circus, Caillou and his family saw clowns, elephants, lions, trapeze artists, and human cannonballs with his binoculars.

"Wow! The animals have hair!" Caillou yelled.

"Caillou, sit down!" his mother snapped.

"But I need hair, Mommy!"

Caillou walked out of his seat, then out of the audience, and towards the animals. As a gargantuan elephant attempted to step onto a giant ball, Caillou grabbed onto the elephant's tail.

"Yea! Now, I have hair!"

"What the hell is that idiot doing?" exclaimed the ringmaster. "Hey, asshole! Get the hell off that elephant, now!"

"I can't! I need the hair from the elephant's tail!"

"All right!" Then the ringmaster turned to the lion tamer and shouted, "Send out the lion!"

"LION?! D'AAAAAAAAAH!" Caillou screamed, as the vicious lion was sent out by the lion tamer. Caillou died a slow, agonizing demise as the lion mauled him. In turn, the audience (and Caillou's family) applauded.

THE END


End file.
